Turn The Page

I hinted last post at something I had been writing about letting go of old ideas. I was planning to finish it days ago and put it up, but I am quite glad I didn't. If I had, I would have had to write a followup to it, based on the events of the last several days.

Spanks and I have had quite an eventful week. To put it in those terms seems an understatement. I am quite grateful for this past week, because of the growth I've experienced personally, and the growth we've experienced together.

And a page has been turned.

Its a simple phrase,really but it says so much. To turn the page is to progress in the story, to find out what happens next. To turn the page indicates that you are ready to move on, move forward and explore. I've turned a page this week. We've turned a page as well. Its an incredible feeling.

There's so much more to turning the page than the words relay. Just like when you are reading a good book, you can't turn the page until you've finished the page you are on, else you lose the feeling, the continuity, the rhythm of the story. And so I and we could not turn the page in our growth and our experiences until we were done with the page that we were on.

This may start to sound to some that we have gone thru a breakup or a hard and difficult argument or something else of a negative tone. Nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, we are closer now than when the week began. My eyes have been opened to all the incredible possibilities that make themselves known when you are willing to let go of old ideas, and embrace the new ones. We've had no less than three incredibly deep conversations over the past seven days, in conjunction with several smaller, but no less important ones along the way. In each of these deep conversations we opened up to one another at the same starting point: Open, Honest and Direct conversation. No holding back or mincing words; no accusations; no shouting or raised voices. Just a simple and direct exchange of thoughts and ideas. We cleared up so much between us and cleared the way ahead so that we could actually turn the page today. And turn the page we did.

I had an experience following a fairly deep conversation we had on Saturday night/Sunday morning. It was one of the most painful experiences I've ever known. It was painful not because of anyone or anything outside of my own terribly outdated ideas and constrained views. I found myself in a position where I had to stare at those dark feelings that we all have in relationships. I had to stare at them because, as someone wrote recently, "the only way out is in". I stared and felt and wrapped myself in those horrific, gut-wrenching feelings until I was on par with them. I dug and I scratched and I ripped at them until I got to those hidden feelings buried deep, deep, deep down below.

When I did that, I felt...

I can only say, I felt...

free.

I experienced a feeling of freedom that I hadn't known in nearly a decade. A kind of freedom that only comes from submitting to your fears and surrendering to those desires that hide so deep inside you. Those feelings that you dare not look at or reveal to anyone, let alone yourself for fear of embarassment, retrobution, abandonment, disgust or any of those other things that we fear will make us different, and are used by so many people and things to keep us in a constant state of conformity and forced bondage.

And passion. Oh, the passion I found there in that hiding place! An imense and endless well, a flowing wild river of hot-blooded passion for my beloved and all that he is and all that he'll ever experience. Passion that cannot be described, cannot be foretold, cannot be relayed. It must be felt. Deep down within your very soul. Passion that only one person can feel for another. Not the passion that flows above ground when you first fall in love. No, even that great river is but a trickle compared to the wild rapids of heated abandon that flow beneath the surface. The surface hidden by heaps of old ideas of conformity and disgusting feelings that serve only to bind us into loveless, sexless servitude. The surface which must be dug thru, clawed thru, with your own bare, bleeding hands.

And the only way out is in.

Again, such simple words which hide such an incredibly powerful idea. A new, fresh idea.

Thank you, baby boy. Thank you for showing me the way. I love you more than I can ever truly say. My passion flows upon you, a gift of my soul. I am cleansed in your beauty, sated in your smile, reborne in your touch.

A page has been turned.

=^+.+^= Dari


P.S. This clip is a memory I hold from the finale of one of the most incredibly written series I've ever known - Babylon 5. It is the final moments of B5, and her crew are taking one last look around before she is put to rest. The moment was done so beautifully, and is so powerful, that only it can describe how I feel about the passing thru the barrier of my old concepts and ideas. Do not judge. Do not criticize. Only experience and take from it what you may.

- Dari